Question:

I am a 34-year-old woman. I have been sexually active for some years now. I have no problem having an orgasm from oral sex, I just don't think that I have had an orgasm from sexual intercourse. Is there a certain way to tell? Is there a feeling that I don't know about? I know it's not my partner. There have been several in my lifetime.

Answer:

Many women find that oral stimulation gives them the sensations that lead to orgasm. The warmth, moisture, softness and variability of stimulation create a unique sexual experience.

Intercourse provides sensations that very indirectly stimulate the area of the clitoris. The fact that you reach orgasm from direct clitoral stimulation makes complete sense, as much sense as it makes for a man to reach orgasm from direct stimulation to his penis. That's because the clitoris and the penis are equivalent in their capacity to receive sexual stimulation. Studies have shown that about 30 percent of women are able to reach orgasm during intercourse without simultaneous clitoral stimulation.

Nevertheless, if you would like to try to increase your responsiveness during intercourse, there are ways you can experiment that may lead to orgasm for you. In general, when women reach orgasm during intercourse, it's because during certain parts of the sexual experience they pay more attention to pleasing themselves, not their partners.

You can try a three-phase process over the course of days, weeks or months, depending on your preference and progress. The overall idea is to gradually taper off clitoral stimulation during intercourse as you go through the phases. This process tends to work best if done with a steady partner, and it can be quite pleasurable.

HHere's how it works:

Phase One: Include clitoral stimulation (by you or your partner) right through the end of your orgasm while having intercourse. If the movements and sensations of intercourse distract you from reaching orgasm, then first try simply inserting your partner's penis without movement and then stimulate your clitoris. If that works, add movement.

Phase Two: Very gradually end the clitoral stimulation a little before the orgasm and allow the thrusting to complete the orgasm.

Phase Three: Increase the length of time between the end of the clitoral stimulation and the beginning of the orgasm.

Move to the next phase only when the previous stimulation was sufficient for you to be orgasmic.

     During this experiment, notice what's on your mind. Focus on the pleasurable sensations. Take the attitude that nothing else exists but that moment. Probably the most powerful tool you have to enhance your sexual pleasure is your ability to fill your mind with erotic images during your sexual encounter. The fact that many women reach orgasm while dreaming from time to time (and a few reach orgasm by fantasizing) tells us plainly that we can really benefit if we "use our heads."

     Merge your mind with your body's sensations. Or concentrate on sexual images you bring to mind. They can be very real or fairly vague. You can develop complicated plots or you can focus your mind's eye on one erotic image, like a slide projected on a screen.

     Learn which combinations of fantasy styles and content are most arousing for you. Bring them to mind as you experiment physically. Many women use such fantasies during intercourse to trigger response.

     Exercise your PC muscle (short for pubococcygeus) to tone and strengthen the muscle that automatically contracts during orgasm. Work your way gradually to doing about 100 contractions of the muscle twice a day. Don't know which muscle that is? It's the same one you squeeze in order to stop the flow of urine midstream.

     When you exercise the PC muscle, you bring blood to it, just like other muscles. When more blood than usual collects in the pelvic area, it creates the beginning physical sensation of sexual arousal. Contracting it more brings more blood (up to a point) and therefore more arousal. Also, some women find it easier to have orgasm during intercourse when their PC muscle is well toned.

     Don't be restricted to one kind of movement during intercourse. Some women find side-to-side movements more stimulating than in-and-out stimulation. When a penis is fully inside their vagina, they can make circular motions to bring themselves to orgasm. Others move their clitoris against the man's pubic bone in an up-and-down motion while keeping the erection inside.

     These suggestions may be easier to follow when the woman is on top, but can be done from the bottom too. In both cases, women need to take responsibility for moving their pelvis in ways that feel good, rather than in ways they think are "normal" or ladylike. A great many women forgo sexual pleasure because of reluctance to really take charge of what goes on.

     Marc and Judith Meshorer, in "Ultimate Pleasure: The Secrets of Easily Orgasmic Women" (St. Martin's Press, 1986), found that easily orgasmic women were active partners and did not passively wait for orgasm to wash over them as it does in the movies. They anticipated, participated and reciprocated to their partners eagerly.

     Give some or all of these ideas a playful try. Approach them as an adventure and see if you find that some of your orgasms can occur this way.