Question:

Do women over 45 like sex? After our third child, my wife started saying to me, "If you do this or if you do that you can have sex with me. So, how do you want it?" She talked to three medical doctors about her problem of little sex drive and they all said that it was in her head.

Right now, I have no desire or ability to get an erection due to the cold-shoulder treatment my wife gives me. We have seen three or four counselors, but it didn't help. I am 52 years along. Is it too late to divorce, remarry and have a happy and good sex life? The most important question for me is whether I will be able to get an erection and make love to a new wife.

Answer:

It sounds like you have given up on the sexual relationship within your marriage (and on the marriage itself). You've been to several counselors and now you're wondering whether you can have a better sex life with a new woman.

To say it simply, yes, many women over 45 do like sex, and yes, many men over 52 do remarry happily and enjoy their sexuality. Will you find one of these women and be happy? Hard to say. Your situation, however, deserves a more thorough response.

     If you suspect that your partner is doing this, try having a conversation that will let him know it's OK to tell you he's not having ejaculations during intercourse. Ask if there are things you can do to enhance his experience. If he is faking it, and you really care about him and want to continue in the relationship, de-emphasize the importance of intercourse ejaculations and turn your attention toward creating unpressured sexual pleasure together.

     The main situation you describe is one of sexual bargaining by your wife. My guess is that she understands that your sexual expression is very important to you. She's gambling that you'll be willing to forgo (or fork over) a lot in order to have sexual access to her.

     This kind of sexual quid pro quo usually doesn't work well for long. When people are willing to give sex for secondary nonsexual gains, the sex that's had often isn't worth much to either participant. Some would give it the fairly truthful label of prostitution, in which mutual desire is seldom felt and money or goods change hands.

     I'm curious to know if your wife used to like the sex she had with you or if she was a half-hearted participant throughout your marriage. If, after your third child, she changed from enjoying the sex to bargaining, I have a hunch that she re-evaluated her benefits from the sex and went looking for something to make it worthwhile to her.

     When people start bartering, like your wife has, it should send an SOS that the sex is not fulfilling. I really hope that one of the counselors you saw specifically asked your wife the question, "What exactly is not working about the sex you're having with your husband?"

     I'm not surprised that the medical doctors your wife saw said that the problem is all in her head. On one level, women's sexual problems are often not taken seriously enough that doctors really look for a physiological cause. But on another level, there's a very good chance that the doctors are absolutely right in her case her bargaining indicates that she 's thinking and strategizing about sex with you rather than enjoying the physical pleasures of it.

     If your wife has resorted to bargaining with you, she's looking for something to sweeten the deal. She is thinking about the fact that for her, as it is now, the physical and emotional benefits of sex itself aren't enough.

     She's not approaching the situation with an interest in communicating how it could be better for her sexually. But, there is a hint that the two of you do "call it what it is."

     It sounds like you are unwilling to accept being serviced by your wife for a price. That indicates you want more than a warm orifice in which to have sexual release. That you don't want to get an erection in this situation makes complete sense to me. Why would you want to settle for such servicing?

     On the other hand, your wife is sending you the message, "I want more from the sex we're having and I'm willing to take it out in trade." I suspect that she's also saying, "I've run out of ways to get this through to you."

     You may have already decided that you want out of the marriage. But, before you act on that, I recommend that you find out what changes your wife would make if she could wave a magic wand over your sex life. I suspect that you'd learn something important for your current marriage, or for a future one.